Monday, May 4, 2026

Gravity and Me

 There are a few years in your childhood when you can positively fly. It’s a natural progression, when you think about it. We’re born nailed to the earth. Then we learn to sit up, to crawl, to stand, to run, to dance. I know this program intimately. When I had my stroke seven years ago, I had to repeat the program, every step of the way. And every night in my bed I dreamed of running.

After you learn to run, you know you can fly. You just need to learn the trick of it. Build up momentum. Flap your arms. Fly. You’re small and light. Gravity might take its eyes off you for just a second. That’s all the time you need to break free.

Or maybe you need an equalizer.

When I was in third grade, my sister’s high school put on a production of Peter Pan. She smuggled home the Peter Pan hat. Mind you, it was made of folded-up newspaper, painted green. But it had obviously been sprayed with pixie dust. 


That was the edge we needed. We’d take turns mounting the porch railing with the hat on, myself, my brother, and the Burns boys. There was an oleander bush standing guard in the yard between our apartment and the neighbor’s. We figured if we could clear the oleander bush, we could officially fly.

That bush took a lot of punishment. We’d fling ourselves toward it, hoping to catch an updraft. Gravity usually grabbed us by the ankle just before we took off. None of us actually flew, but it wasn’t for lack of trying.

Saturday, April 18, 2026

Rex Stout on character

Rex Stout was prolific--he claimed it took between 35 and 41 days to write a novel, as long as he wasn't drinking. He wrote 33 novels and I won't get into the number of stories. His best-known as the creator of Nero Wolfe--the genius detective with the too too solid flesh.

rex stout at desk

"A character who is thought-out is not born, he or she is contrived. A born character is round, a thought-out character is flat."


I won't pretend to have read more than about a dozen of his books so far, but these are three of my favorites so far:

The Silent Speaker


The Silent Speaker

The Golden Spiders

Not Quite Dead Enough



Here's a bonus quote:

"There are only two kinds of books which you can write and be pretty sure you're going to make a living cook books and detective stories."

Wednesday, April 15, 2026

Not to Diss Gruntle

 

self gruntled
Gruntled to the dis-

Would you like to be gruntled? On the face of it, probably not. It doesn't sound like much fun.

But we know for sure that no one likes to be disgruntled.

So what's our option?

It turns out, "gruntle" is a very old English word (1682) that means to grumble or complain. But "disgruntled," rather than the opposite, means even more gruntled, a real complainy-face, and probably comes from an Old English word meaning "grunt.".
Because the English language has no actual rules.
"Gruntled" went out of style for a few centuries, till it was revived by some nameless writer (according to Merriam-Webster) back in the Twenties to mean, humorously, very pleased indeed.
(I'm betting it was Damon Runyon or Ogden Nash, although I wouldn't dismiss the possibility of Dorothy Parker.)

runyon, nash, and parker
Our gruntled suspects

Saturday, April 11, 2026

The Cookie or the Cigarette?

 This is why I so enjoy going down the rabbit hole of research.

In my work in progress, one of my characters, Lawrence, third footman, started out as a Welshman with a lilting voice, in his mid-20s.

A problem arose. I had set my story in Sussex, England in the year 1917.
England was in the middle of WW1. And draft age was between 18--41. So why wasn't Lawrence off in the trenches?
(I had to raise and lower the ages of several other male characters.)
I chose asthma. That was one of the few ailments that would keep him out of the war.
So much for the lilt. But I could work with the short breath and wheezing of an asthmatic. He's an excitable boy, prone to conspiracy theories.

But then I thought: how did people treat asthma in 1917, well before modern inhalers?

I researched, and found an answer: CIGARETTES.

Friday, April 10, 2026

Memory is Iago

 

iago

“I would not put a thief in my mouth to steal my brains.”—Othello

I’ve been feeling my bones lately. No, not as in “I can feel my achy old bones,” but literally, beneath the skin. It’s partly because I’ve lost a great deal of weight this past year, due to the good offices of GLP-1 and long daily walks. (It’s also because, as we age, our skin loses collagen, literally becomes thinner. Yes, old folks really are “thin-skinned.” Don’t mess with us.)

And it feels … strange. I don’t remember my bones being right beneath the skin, in such intimate contact. Specifically, I’ve been feeling my rib cage. I’ve come to think of it as a cage—not metaphorically, but literally. It’s a cage that holds the heart and lungs not only for protection, but as a prison, the beating and the breath. Think about that for a minute. Your heart is actually in a cage, like a wild animal, pacing back and forth, unable to roam free. Think of the mighty breaths we could take if our lungs were not knocking against the breastbone! Metaphor is destiny.

What about the mind?

Sunday, March 22, 2026

The Case of the Editor's Error

 So I should mention that I have a new (self-published) short story available now on Amazon as an ebook.

Ta da!


"Dr. Watson discovers a problem in The Final Problem, and unveils the real murderer of Sherlock Holmes."

It's 99¢, which is highway robbery for a 19-page story, but I'm still test-driving KDP and they wouldn't allow me to price it any cheaper.

Eventually I'll probably be able to price it at a nickel-ninety-five, but for now, if you'd like to fill my coffers and read a fun little story that pits Dr. Watson against Arthur Conan Doyle, now's your chance.

Monday, March 16, 2026

Armistice Day

 I want to let you in on a gold-plated investment. And you don't have to pay a dime. It's my own private holiday, scheduled for March 17. That's right, tomorrow. No, not St. Paddy's Day, though I've got nothing against the wearin' of the green.


It's Armistice Day.

War Over headline


It's got nothing to do with the war in Iran, or any war, except my personal wars, your personal wars.

It's the day I forgive anyone any wrong they''ve done me in the past year. I lay down my sword and shield. I shed the weight of all those grudges.
Does this mean forgive and forget? No. To forget can be dangerous. You can let yourself in for further wrongs, further hurts.
But it does mean giving up playing those hurts over and over in your mind, indulging in revenge fantasies, crossing the street when you see them coming toward you.
It means shirking the work. Doesn’t that sound nice?
And you'll find it harder to form those grudges in the first place, knowing they've got an expiration date.

And here's a bonus: while you're forgiving that person who's hurt you, or forgiving the world that's wounded you, you can forgive yourself, too. Give yourself a break. Don't forget what you've done to hurt other people, you have to learn from your wrongs, so you don’t repeat them. But forgive. It doesn't help to beat yourself up.

Set down all that baggage. Straighten your back and move on down the road with your load lightened.
Armistice Day. Yeah, it's a thing.

 

Monday, March 9, 2026

Character as algorithm

 

If you’re a writer, you’re familiar with this phenomenon: a character takes on a life of their own, dictating to you what they will and won’t say, will and won’t do. What the hell, you say. I brought you into this novel world, and I can take you out of it.
Well, yes—but that’s your only choice if a character gets uppity. Kill off the character, or delete them. You cannot discipline them.
Why is that? Why can’t you do whatever you want with a character?
Because a character is essentially a set of rules you’ve created. An algorithm, to use a despised word. A series of nested if…then statements that guide the character’s actions.
if...then algorithm

Take my old friend Sherlock Holmes, for instance. Here is rule number one of the Holmesian canon: Holmes solves puzzles. 
Corollary: he solves them with his mind, not his fists. 

Monday, February 23, 2026

Tom Stoppard on words



Tom Stoppard, at desk
 “I don't think writers are sacred, but words are. They deserve respect. If you get the right ones in the right order, you might nudge the world a little or make a poem that children will speak for you when you are dead.”

― Tom Stoppard, The Real Thing

Tuesday, February 10, 2026

The fiction of despair

No, this is not about Kafka … except in that some days a lot of Americans are feeling like a giant cockroach when they wake up in the morning. But let’s not get off track right from the start. It’s about another kind of fiction born from despair … or at least desperation. 
Let’s start again. I’ve been peeved lately at some of my friends on Facebook for posting “news items” which are obviously thunderingly false. No kidding, right? False stories on the internet? Breaking news: water is wet. 
Let me back up yet again. Confession time: politically (and culturally) I’m a leftie. I mean, way left. I’m a dyed-in-the-wool bleeding heart snowflake woke antifa democratic socialist. If you’re Maga, you may want to leave the room. (Or maybe not. Y’see, I’ve had a semi-epiphany about the Maga movement which might interest you. I’ll get to that later.) So as I’ve said, I’ve been, well, disappointed lately, at my leftie friends (which are about 99% of my friends).

 It started with the news that Stephen Colbert and Rachel Maddow and Jimmy Kimmel were teaming up for a talk/news show, or an entire channel, one that would be a mighty bulwark against the shadow of Trump reaching forth its hand from Mordor. 
Colbert, Kimmel, Maddow


“After years of frustration with network pressures and watered-down stories, the trio is reshaping how news is delivered. Maddow’s sharp analysis, Colbert’s fearless satire, and Kimmel’s late-night humor create a dynamic fusion aimed at shaking the media world to its core.” 
Or maybe it was Jon Stewart and AOC teaming up, or Paul McCartney and Dan Rather and Bonnie Raitt. The lineup was fluid as Marvel’s Avengers, but they were all left-wing heroes, coming to the rescue. It was all over Facebook. All untrue. All AI-generated slop. Colbert is not teaming up with Rachel and Jimmy. Taylor Swift and Pope Leo are not on board. Stephen King is staying home. Oprah has no comment. 
Avengers


Tuesday, January 20, 2026

A beautiful day in the neighborhood

 Good news!

As I've mentioned before I'm a member of the scion society Crew of the Barque Lone Star, and a contributor to their 2024 collection of pastiches, Mr. Holmes's Neighborhood, which has been available at Barnes&Noble ...

... and is now available on the Crew's website, in a selection of digital formats, for the very reasonable price of FREE. Which is a deal not to be missed.



Especially if you'd like to read my latest Holmesian effort, titled The Sherlock Holmes Appreciation Society, the tale of the first ever Sherlock Holmes fan club, founded by none other than Colonel Sebastian Moran, and headquartered directly across the street from 221B Baker.

Here's a taste:

My dear Inspector Lestrade,


You will not know me, though I feel as if I know you from my friend Dr.

Watson’s stories in The Strand. My name is…well, perhaps it would be wiser to

leave my name out of the affair. Think of me as Mr. Anonymous, although I

suppose you could hunt down my identity if you and it necessary, since for you to

understand my story at all, I must provide you with my address, or rather my

former address—Camden House, London. Which I’m sure you’ll recognize as the

address opposite 221B Baker St.—the establishment of the consulting detective,

Sherlock Holmes. Which, I assume, is why it was chosen as headquarters for the

Sherlock Holmes Appreciation Society.


I have vital information for you. Sherlock Holmes has been murdered. I realize

that seems an impossible statement. But—


This is no good. I’ll have to go back, back to the very beginning. If I don’t

explain fully and in order, you’ll think me mad. I am not a native Londoner. I’m a

Hampshire man, son of a country squire. But the birthright belonged to my elder

brother, so it was the army for me. I joined the Royal Artillery, was commissioned a second lieutenant, and in 1879 I found myself in Afghanistan taking part in the

Battle of Charasiab. On 6 October we were advancing on Kabul when we engaged

a force of Afghan Regulars. It was my baptism by fire...


Plus there's a plethora (say that five times fast) of delicious stories by the other stalwart sailors who comprise the Crew. Dip in!


Sunday, January 4, 2026

John Crowley on books

 

Learning to decipher words had only added to the pleasures of holding spines and turning pages, measuring the journey to the end with a thumb-riffle, poring over frontispieces. Books! Opening with a crackle of old glue, releasing perfume; closing with a solid thump.”
--John Crowley


crowley at desk