Quiet Riot

San Francisco-- Americans were stunned by another act of senseless brutality this week when a San Francisco street performer went on a terrifying spree. Randy Heppelwhite, a San Francisco mime, was arrested by police yesterday after perpetrating what one onlooker called "one of the most hideously ambiguous performances I've ever seen." 

Union Square in the aftermath of the horror

"He jumped right out in front of a group of tourists, and without saying a word, he seemed to pull out a large caliber weapon of some sort," said Lars Chiswick, a manager at Banana Republic. "Some people were saying it was a revolver, some said a bazooka, but from the way he handled it, I'd say it was an automatic weapon, an Uzi or a Glock, maybe, the way he seemed to be spraying the whole square with hot lead. I saw people sitting down everywhere, walking away in panic. Very few people were tipping him, no large bills. One woman even hyperventilated. Then he tried to make his getaway on a unicycle, or it might have been a stegosaurus."

 Other witnesses described the weapon as a jackhammer, or perhaps a large vibrator. A security guard from the St. Francis Drake Hotel, who did not attempt to subdue Heppelwhite, said, "I thought it was like, a hose, y'know, a garden hose, and he was spraying everybody with water. Or maybe a firehose, 'cause it kinda got away from him. I seen stranger things than that out here." 

 One of the mime's victims was Mrs. Dorothy Sandwedge of St. Paul, Minnesota. "My goodness, I thought I was a goner for sure. When he popped out in front of us, my heart just jumped into my throat. I mean, it all seemed so real. Next year I think we'll just go to the Mall of America. I met SpongeBob SquarePants there last year."

 Another victim, who refused to be identified for fear of mime retribution, said, “The streets aren’t safe anymore. Hey should all be locked up and sent back to El Mime-istan or wherever. What if he had mimed a weapon of mass destruction? The big finale to his act coulda been a mushroom cloud.” 

Possible weapon

Heppelwhite is being held incommunicado by police, who say he has refused so far to talk about his motives. "We're holding Mr. Heppelwhite on a charge of aggravating acting and imitation of illegal weapons," said SFPD detective Wallace Verbiage. "We're determined to get the word out to these people that unspeakable crimes like this won't be tolerated in San Francisco, or at least confined to Pier 39."

 Heppelwhite's attorney, Marvin Tonglisch, declared his client innocent of all charges. "Rudy Heppelwhite is a member of Actor's Equity and AGFA, and he's fully licensed to imitate any firearms he thinks necessary in the conduct of his business. I have no further comment at this time," he is believed to have said.

 The World Mime Organization refused to issue a statement. Its local chapter conferred but decided to table the discussion. “They’ve always been a tight-lipped group,” according to Shanks Mulligan, our Senior Mime Correspondent. 

The WMO attempt to whitewash the incident

A thorough search of Hepplewhite’s apartment is underway. “We haven’t found anything, but that doesn’t mean there’s nothing to find. We just need to use our imaginations. And sledgehammers. Those make a statement.” 

 Our correspondent sounded Hepplewhite’s neighbors on any suspicious activities. One described Hepplewhite as the quiet type. “It’s always the quiet ones,” he said. 

Hepplewhite is being held in an invisible glass case pending trial.

Warden! Let me outa here!" he seemed to say